I'm

trying hard to keep my mind even as it floats through my grasp and into places where I can't keep it anymore.
Spitefully, it pushes. It forces itself into dark rooms and corners, secretly loving the lost sense of sight.
Had I stayed in the darkness of the cave, I would have never discovered the darkness of the day.
I wonder which would have been better.
And by "better" I mean easier.
Spite creeps up on me every time and asks me whether I really want what I think I want.
Or do I want what I think I don't?
It fogs the windows and creates waves in the atmosphere, hot, humid and invisible, skewing perceptions and receptions, spotlighting my imperfections.
As clear as my wants and needs seem to me in the morning, by noon clouds hit and I'm a goner without my glasses.

New

What keeps life interesting for me is its impermanence, and that it's ever-changing. More rambling and musings...

(I will never completely know something inside and out, and especially not any person. The optimist in me immediately searches for the best qualities in people, and I magnify them; my shock at finding any traits in a person that genuinely interest me at all gives me tunnel vision. I think I've got people figured out and decide I want to know them for real. And then flaws and the truth and reality comes crashing down and I remember that things are never as sparkly and dreamy as they seem to me at first.

This initial let down that I've caused myself can be disappointing, and the contrast between my hazy could-be world and the reality of the what-actually-is world is enough to make me lose interest completely.

However, I need to stop contradicting myself because things aren't so black and white. As much as I'm proven wrong about people in a negative way, I can be proven wrong about them in a positive way. Maybe they're not who I think they are; maybe they're better.)

With all that in mind, I still can't help it...
I like novelty. When something's different and new and the possibilities of who someone might be are endless. They might be who I want. What if? We could totally swap stories, share books, make bad jokes, say things that don't make sense and laugh like they do, laugh more when we realize that they don't, play in the grass, have a good time, and listen to Pinkerton together.

So I grab onto this feeling and hope for the best, and then a month later when it's old... sigh. On to the next one.

If

I had a pink wig, I could simultaneously look like Natalie Portman in Closer and Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation.


A thought to ponder for next Halloween/life in general.






Beautiful.

More

late-night rambling.
Experiences are important to me.
Maybe I'm losing my head because of being subjected to one intense week of grading and judging and unimportant questions and memorized facts and wasted time.
I like throwing myself into situations for the experience and feelings and sensations that I'll get out of it, but it's hard to take the bad with the good.

I still feel numb, but in a different way than before. Knowing that I've hurt people hurts me. I'd rather not exist than cause pain, but I know that pain is an unavoidable and necessary part of life... if it weren't for the sting of it, we wouldn't know the possibilities of love.

I've always prided myself on being as truthful as I can be, especially when it really matters. Not that honesty isn't always important, but brutal, stripped down honesty is especially imperative in certain situations.

I find it hardest to be honest with myself. With everything else, I rarely judge; I see what's in front of me and take it, understanding its constants and variables, that it is what it is and I'll never fully know it but can take what I see.

I'm pro at lying to myself, as much as I hate to say it. I know what's really best for me, but constantly rationalize and hope for other things, other distractions and petty possibilities. Ergo, I want to be alone.

One reason being my fear of relationships, of people who want to keep me. I'm a walking contradiction, because I fucking LOVE people! I love knowing them and learning about them, seeing them smile and finding what makes them happy. However, romance is different... I can find the beauty in any man and desperately want to get to know him and want him to get to know me, but as soon as the interest is returned, I run. It's happened so many times that there's no denying the pattern, and it's confusing.

Half of me wants to be close to someone, all over them and everywhere, knowing everything about them , feeling every touch, the softness of skin, hot breath and secrets, whispered words of rare truths and warm nights spent close. The other half wants to run, run, run, and push. Push out and away, free from any obligation and commitment and weight and chain of having to answer to someone.

Free bird!
"What's her story?" he asked.
"She's a free bird," my friend told them.
"But what does she want? Does she want a boyfriend, does she want..."
"I don't know, man. All I know is she's a free bird," she laughed, keeping it vague and light, not wanting to accidentally give away more than I wanted her to, and they all laughed again at the silly term I'd used to describe myself and any other solo friends we had.

I used to love this title. And I still do. It's so important to think for yourself in life and not feel beholden to the group... the Love and Belonging stage of Maslow's hierarchy. However, it's an entirely different animal when it arises out of fear. It's not freedom at all; you are a slave to your fear.

Would I want to be with someone like me? No. What a pain in the ass. I hate being confused, but I can't expect anything else in return if I'm not a direct, straight line myself.

Why else do I want to be alone? To concentrate on learning more about what interests me, to think clearly and without distractions about how I can most wisely spend my time on this earth. To find the best places to put my energy.


I'm brain-dead, lost, and tired. More on this later.

About that Anis

"So shake the dust and take me with you when you do, for none of this has ever been for me.
Everything that pushes and pulls, pulls for you.
So grab this world by its clothes pins and shake it out again and again
And jump on top and take it for a spin and when you hop off
Shake it again for this is yours."
- Anis Mojgani

Not

knowing where you'll be sleeping for the next three days is the best. Seriously.

I think getting thrown out of your comfort zone makes you learn so much about yourself. As of now, I don't know where I'll be sleeping or in what (I lack a sleeping bag), but I trust it'll work out fine. I look forward to being exhausted, surrounded by vegetarians so that I'm not the pain in the ass to cook for, and meeting wonderful people who care.

http://www.sustainabilitycoalition.org/spring-convergence

EDIT: It was indeed a lovely time. Fun, friends, and vegan food.

"She's in love with the world... but sometimes these feelings can be so misleading."

Kind of a rambling late-night side note with not much purpose.
I feel as though it's too typical to list "beauty" as something that I love because of what it initially implies. Does that mean that I don't love ugly? No, because really... it's all beautiful to me.

Everything about this world holds so much beauty and I'm aching to see it all, learn it all, feel it all, every sight, sense, bright light, fleeting moment, and it hurts when I can't. I'd rather go through heartbreak a thousand times than never feel anything at all. The point is that I'm feeling. I'm in love with the world.

I marvel at the uniqueness of every individual I come across, and whether they love me back or decide to hate me, I'm amazed at every facet that makes them up. I feel lucky that they're in my life, however fleeting... the feelings I have are often lost in translation with my words, but I'm a work in progress.

A couple of Rilo Kiley lyrics that won't leave my head right now... from "Absence of God" and about people I don't know but wish I had.

And Rob says you love, love, love, and then you die...

And Morgan says, maybe love won't let you down
All of your failures are training grounds
And just as your back's turned you'll be surprised she says
As your solitude subsides

And I say there's trouble
When everything is fine
The need to destroy things
Creeps up on me every time