Santa Cruz/San Francisco

I'm hiking through the forest in the dark and searching for the moon.

Singing Bohemian Rhapsody in a field at night with faces I can't make out.
Red lipstick, dresses, and bows, the epitome of all things feminine and lovely.
Finding the moon reflected in the ocean; it only gets bigger as I get further.
Smoke, cold nights, and enough trust in the world to be outside as the hours grow smaller.
G Bmin C D... simple chords are what you make them.
Riding in cars filled with music and thought, freedom and acceptance and wondering how it would feel to be in love right this second.
Learning, realizing, and understanding what's changed and what hasn't, for better or worse.
Usually for better.
Feeling lost, floating, searching for home and finding that it's where you make it.
Acknowledging that I will always be alone in a sense.
Imagining the music that could be, making plans for tambourines and practicing singing voices.
Still missing ignorance and being able to complain about having nothing to do. Missing nothing at all.
Loving the air I breathe and wondering what inspires people to say the things they do.
"Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all..." - Jeff Mangum
Knowing it's better to stay but not being able to shake the desire to run, run, run.
Searching for the beauty in permanence yet finding it most where it won't last.
Love is a burning thing.
Art by students, art by the famous, all feeling so much.
Surrounded by wishes and wishing they'd all come true.
Adventures.
We are all made of air... there are stars in my eyes and there's sun in my hair.

On another note

I'm getting on a plane tomorrow.
Half of me thinks it's better to cut ties with people so that they learn that they don't have the right to expect things of you. The other half of me would be sad to do so because it's important that the people I care for even remotely know what they mean to me. As simple as washing my hands of people and their baggage would make things, I care too much to run. Life is fleeting, appreciate everything.


Do you realize hat everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round




Beautiful.

I'm

trying hard to keep my mind even as it floats through my grasp and into places where I can't keep it anymore.
Spitefully, it pushes. It forces itself into dark rooms and corners, secretly loving the lost sense of sight.
Had I stayed in the darkness of the cave, I would have never discovered the darkness of the day.
I wonder which would have been better.
And by "better" I mean easier.
Spite creeps up on me every time and asks me whether I really want what I think I want.
Or do I want what I think I don't?
It fogs the windows and creates waves in the atmosphere, hot, humid and invisible, skewing perceptions and receptions, spotlighting my imperfections.
As clear as my wants and needs seem to me in the morning, by noon clouds hit and I'm a goner without my glasses.

New

What keeps life interesting for me is its impermanence, and that it's ever-changing. More rambling and musings...

(I will never completely know something inside and out, and especially not any person. The optimist in me immediately searches for the best qualities in people, and I magnify them; my shock at finding any traits in a person that genuinely interest me at all gives me tunnel vision. I think I've got people figured out and decide I want to know them for real. And then flaws and the truth and reality comes crashing down and I remember that things are never as sparkly and dreamy as they seem to me at first.

This initial let down that I've caused myself can be disappointing, and the contrast between my hazy could-be world and the reality of the what-actually-is world is enough to make me lose interest completely.

However, I need to stop contradicting myself because things aren't so black and white. As much as I'm proven wrong about people in a negative way, I can be proven wrong about them in a positive way. Maybe they're not who I think they are; maybe they're better.)

With all that in mind, I still can't help it...
I like novelty. When something's different and new and the possibilities of who someone might be are endless. They might be who I want. What if? We could totally swap stories, share books, make bad jokes, say things that don't make sense and laugh like they do, laugh more when we realize that they don't, play in the grass, have a good time, and listen to Pinkerton together.

So I grab onto this feeling and hope for the best, and then a month later when it's old... sigh. On to the next one.

If

I had a pink wig, I could simultaneously look like Natalie Portman in Closer and Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation.


A thought to ponder for next Halloween/life in general.






Beautiful.

More

late-night rambling.
Experiences are important to me.
Maybe I'm losing my head because of being subjected to one intense week of grading and judging and unimportant questions and memorized facts and wasted time.
I like throwing myself into situations for the experience and feelings and sensations that I'll get out of it, but it's hard to take the bad with the good.

I still feel numb, but in a different way than before. Knowing that I've hurt people hurts me. I'd rather not exist than cause pain, but I know that pain is an unavoidable and necessary part of life... if it weren't for the sting of it, we wouldn't know the possibilities of love.

I've always prided myself on being as truthful as I can be, especially when it really matters. Not that honesty isn't always important, but brutal, stripped down honesty is especially imperative in certain situations.

I find it hardest to be honest with myself. With everything else, I rarely judge; I see what's in front of me and take it, understanding its constants and variables, that it is what it is and I'll never fully know it but can take what I see.

I'm pro at lying to myself, as much as I hate to say it. I know what's really best for me, but constantly rationalize and hope for other things, other distractions and petty possibilities. Ergo, I want to be alone.

One reason being my fear of relationships, of people who want to keep me. I'm a walking contradiction, because I fucking LOVE people! I love knowing them and learning about them, seeing them smile and finding what makes them happy. However, romance is different... I can find the beauty in any man and desperately want to get to know him and want him to get to know me, but as soon as the interest is returned, I run. It's happened so many times that there's no denying the pattern, and it's confusing.

Half of me wants to be close to someone, all over them and everywhere, knowing everything about them , feeling every touch, the softness of skin, hot breath and secrets, whispered words of rare truths and warm nights spent close. The other half wants to run, run, run, and push. Push out and away, free from any obligation and commitment and weight and chain of having to answer to someone.

Free bird!
"What's her story?" he asked.
"She's a free bird," my friend told them.
"But what does she want? Does she want a boyfriend, does she want..."
"I don't know, man. All I know is she's a free bird," she laughed, keeping it vague and light, not wanting to accidentally give away more than I wanted her to, and they all laughed again at the silly term I'd used to describe myself and any other solo friends we had.

I used to love this title. And I still do. It's so important to think for yourself in life and not feel beholden to the group... the Love and Belonging stage of Maslow's hierarchy. However, it's an entirely different animal when it arises out of fear. It's not freedom at all; you are a slave to your fear.

Would I want to be with someone like me? No. What a pain in the ass. I hate being confused, but I can't expect anything else in return if I'm not a direct, straight line myself.

Why else do I want to be alone? To concentrate on learning more about what interests me, to think clearly and without distractions about how I can most wisely spend my time on this earth. To find the best places to put my energy.


I'm brain-dead, lost, and tired. More on this later.

About that Anis

"So shake the dust and take me with you when you do, for none of this has ever been for me.
Everything that pushes and pulls, pulls for you.
So grab this world by its clothes pins and shake it out again and again
And jump on top and take it for a spin and when you hop off
Shake it again for this is yours."
- Anis Mojgani