Alone finally

Most days I spend my time replaying my actions. One of my life rules is to never regret, yet I find myself regretting so much of the past few months.
I haven't been completely by myself for more than 2 hours for an entire year.
I was almost afraid of what would happen when I finally found privacy in my room.
Not much surprise... I'm alone.
It's quiet aside from my own breathing. It's almost shocking not to be interrupted.

What did I think would happen once I had my own room? That the floodgates would open up, maybe. That the privacy would let me breathe. That I could take down the wall and feel a little of what I've been avoiding thinking about in depth for so long. I didn't have time... there was so much to do... but you can't love others if you don't love yourself.

Despite what I assumed might happen, I'm at a standstill. Everything is so tangled that I don't know where to start. I find distractions during the day and then cry myself to sleep over what I can't always pinpoint. When did I become so afraid? I don't want to be one of them.

I sabotaged it all. "I say there's trouble when everything's fine... the need to destroy things creeps up on me every time."