Ready for summer again

I feel like I've lost something and I don't know how to get it back. The year's been a whirlwind of pleasant and sad things, smiles and laughs other moments I can't quite recall because they were numb, hazy. As everything was happening, I blamed my forgetfulness of the days on my typical bad memory. But there's something else. Reading old thoughts and remembering how I felt as I wrote them make me miss what I lost.

What are we doing? What are they doing? Gearing up for graduation or finding ways to delay it, making resumes to sell themselves to a faceless person who'll throw them away because of a bent page corner or unattractive font... we work and study to get ready for the real world, a world I still want no part of. At times, I want to be young and insignificant, harmless as I lie and itch in the grass, mistakes forgotten and forgiven because no one is spiteful... but I know it's not that way and that's not what I really want. It would be easier in a daze, of course, but numbness never progressed to anything.

I want to lose myself to find myself. I don't regret any of the past year, never. I try not to regret. But these days, I hate the sound of my own voice because I've forgotten how to think before I speak. I don't know why I want what I want or do what I do, but I know I'm here, solid and breathing, and need to remember.